Let's Talk

Let's Talk

So I just finished 13 Reasons Why (it maybe helpful to watch it before reading.). If you haven't watched it yet, I don't really know what you are doing that is more important. This mini-series is so powerful and necessary that I believe anyone between the ages of 11 and 23 should be forced to watch it. Its not easy, its painful, it makes you think and I guarantee you will cry. The thing is, what is talked about in this show is something that we as a society say we shouldn't talk about. 

So here we go, here are somethings that I have never told anyone in my whole life, these are things that I had to text my mom to warn her this may be hard to get through. So here we go, the things about Sabrina Elizabeth Forscutt's life that have remained a mystery for years.

I'm good at keeping secrets, so if I'm your friend they are safe with me, you know why? I have a lot of my own. 

I understand Hannah Baker, I get why she did what she did. She felt like she had no one in the world, she was blind to the fact that there were people around who loved her, and for a while so was I.

Let's start in middle school, eighth grade to be exact. You see I was always; the fat girl, the jewish girl, or the weird girl. But I accepted it, because that's how I thought I would always be.

So this kid in the class I TA'd for felt the need to pick on me everyday saying he knew stuff about me from when I was five and six, he was annoying and at some points scary, but I let it slide... hey no one wants to be mean to the new kid. There was also a kid in my math class that said he would kill me, and lets just say this happened on more than one occasion. I had some friends they were kind, but lets be honest I never really fit in with them. At one point I created a totally fake life to portray to the world, because I was scared to be who I really was. Then came the time where we studied "The Diary of Anne Frank" the fact that I was a Jewish kid and the granddaughter of a Holocaust survivor became a target on my back, see Cameron Park, CA isn't a very accepting place for being different. After all of the torment I endured at school I would ride the bus home and be picked on and literally flicked in the face. I felt so shitty about who I was as a person that I cried every single day after school. Just thinking about those times now has me in tears. 

So then I got to high school and I thought, "this is it, life is going to get better". But it really didn't, I mean it was better but, life was still really hard. So I kept my friends from middle school, but I started making new friends and I would bounce around a lot between the groups just trying to find my place, this took well into Sophomore year. So lets talk about sophomore year, you know when you study the Holocaust? Yeah well my grandpa came to talk about his experiences living through it, and what does that boy from middle school who wanted to kill me do? He asks him "so did you ever meet hitler?" Yeah talk about being a JERK! So then sophomore year ended with me once again being the popular kids number one anti-Semitic target. Oh yeah, if by any twist of fate any of you "popular" kids are reading this... YES YOU GUYS ARE ANTI-SEMITES. But that wasn't even the worst part of it all... You want to know what was? My dad left. He decided after 26 years of marriage, and 16 years of my life he didn't want to be a family anymore. This man is supposed to be the one person in my life who loved me unconditionally and he left, he stopped caring that I was his own flesh and blood and started a new family with four step-kids and plenty of step-grandchildren to call his own. Are you happy dad? Because you took away from me the ability to make you a grandfather for the first time. You made me feel 100% un-loveable. You said you never wanted to turn out like your dad, but you did... and it really hurt me. So hey halfway through high school and feeling enough pain for a life time. 

 So in Junior year as many of my friendships past and future did(do?), it crashed and burned and I became that girl that didn't have friends and ate lunch alone everyday, and if one person had said something to me I know my life would have been better, let's put this in perspective, I used to think of all the ways my life could end, slipping in the shower and breaking my neck, getting hit by a bus, wrecking my car. You think of an accident I probably imagined what it would have made my life look like. You see I used to think that even if I didn't die at least maybe someone would care enough to come visit. So junior year came and went and the mean girls in theater got meaner and the friends I had decreased, and life time friendships disappeared. At the end of Junior year I had one long distance friend, one okay friend, and one acquaintance. 

So senior year, I'm thinking this is going to be the best year of my life, boy was I wrong another failed friendship disaster ended with me on the ground at my high school balling my eyes out admitting for the first time out loud that I honestly wished that my whole life would end. You see I was done with having people who were my "friends" hurting me. Fast forward through it all and even more friendships that I started that year had failed in college. These girls who were supposed to be my friends just seemed to be as fake as they come. 

So I never realized that this was all considered bullying until I watched 13 Reasons Why. I always said no, I was not really bullied. But I guess, I was. So here I am to say, anyone can be bullied and if you need help seek it! You can go to http://13reasonswhy.info/ to get information on help.

I want to end on a bit of a high note, I have some amazing friends that I somehow managed to get through the shit show called high school with and I am so very thankful for them. As well my dad has hurt me deeply, but my relationship with him is much better now. 

I am in a great place in my life now, I am so truly happy and I just wanted to share this story now that I am in a great place.